|
| I know I haven't written in a really long time... so I'll see what I have the energy to write...
This semester has been interesting. (its weird to think I haven't written a xanga since the summer... damn.)
I've had a few gigs at New Brookland Tavern, which is really exciting. A well known venue, and getting paid to play there! And I had a headlining gig there a week ago, in which I had Android Opera play zombie with me... playing zombie with a band!! It was awesome!
Since the summer I've been feeling kind of depressed. There's this thing called Dysthemia. It's like a long-term depression where you feel down quite a bit, and can have depressive episodes, and then when you feel normal, or just okay, in you're head you feel AMAZING because it's just so much better in comparison to the depressive episodes. I'm assuming that's what I've been dealing with on and off since sophomore year of high school, or maybe even freshman year. During the summer, I thought I was fine and I could handle it. I didn't want to admit that maybe I had a problem I couldn't fix myself, or that I'd slipped back into how I was feeling in high school. I guess it all caught up with me recently. So, now I'm trying to get back on track with classes to pull it together for finals, work on my weight, get a job, etc.
Things are looking up. I'm fine... maybe I haven't been, but I always get through.
I think I've given myself this complex... or well... I've realized a few issues I have that started in childhood. My brother and father used to have fights when I was in elementary school, and I hated it. Since then, I don't tell people when I'm angry... I very rarely get angry, I just stay quiet and turn it on myself. I know my weight issues came from being a chubby kid and trying multiple diets, and having my parents make me feel guilty for eating certain things. I'm terrified of being independant, and I'm trying to find the root of that one. I'm trying really hard to address these problems and figure it out. And believe me, I will be SO happy and feel SO amazing when I do.
I guess that's about all I will write for now.
I love you all, and I have been reading your xangas from time to time.
It was lovely seeing a bunch of you this weekend. I've missed everyone so much. | | |
| Hell of a week...
Last weekend, my ex tried to kill himself. I didn't get his texts until the next morning because my phone died. Shit, and that's even the reason why i sleep with my phone next to my face. I want to be ready for anyone to call at any time so i can be there for them.
Fuck.
But he's ok... i mean, i guess thats not the right word for it. He survived tho... and i'm there for him... I was a little frazzled this week, but I did talk to him last night... and he sounded much better than he did sunday.
I also found out on Sunday that Mandi Webber had died in a car wreck. A sort of freak accident I guess... but tragic nonetheless. Originally when i heard the news... Christ, especially how Ryan told me: "I know you didn't like Mandi very much... but... she died." That made me feel terrible. It wasn't that I didn't like Mandi. It was a mutual awkwardness i guess. Some sort of strange jealousy thing we had toward eachother. And... I immediately regretted not putting it all behind us. We did apologize to eachother and hug back in early February I think... And the last time I saw her, i came out to give her a hug when she picked Allen up. We never fought... i guess maybe we did a little shit-talking in eachother's absence... and it was just childish. I always felt guilty that we clashed... and I wish I'd at least tried to get to know her like Ryan did, because he really KNEW her.... you know? But Ryan says he's sure she understood that I didn't hate her... *sigh*... It just made me feel that much worse remeeting her mother, and going to her visitation, and her funeral, and the luncheon after. I really wanted to be there for Ryan though. I wanted to let him cry, and comfort him, and make sure we didn't run out of cigs or music. He's handling it well so far. But we're trying to keep busy. He didn't sleep much... he kept his cool most of the time while around people, but i'm sure the nights have been hard.
Also... Tuesday, I went to the Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor... found out I have to get my tonsils taken out on june 20th... just 6 days after my birthday. And up to 2 weeks after that, i can't really do shit. So, there goes my performing time.
Finally got my period yesterday. I know... tmi, but... i haven't had it since FEBRUARY!!!! So, it's a big deal to me. And shit did it come one strong this time.
I also caught a cold after hangin out with ryan so much, and going tubing with him and Yarrow.
But I still worked out with our trainer today... and now i feel gelatinous (spelling?)...
I guess that's all I'll write for now... but i've got plenty on my brain. | | |
| Alright... my tonsils are feelin better. The weekend was terrible as far as my health goes. On Friday, i was in SO much pain in Logic, and I had a fever... and we were doing the LONGEST proofs possible. Then at lunch, i felt miserable and couldn't even eat mac 'n' cheese! My parents got there... and picked Allen and me up... That night, Allen decided to hang out with mandi... and i guess that's good. i needed rest and pain meds. I didn't sleep well that night... needed to wake up and be medicated like twice. I can't even describe the pain... Bleh... So, I woke up on saturday feeling rather shitty... Allen called to say he was on his way back, so I got some water, and prepared to be social. I didn't want him to be visiting with me and have a terribly boring time. I sat with him on the couch, trying to compose myself, and Adam called. He wanted me to meet Darby... so I said ok, and he came over with her. She was pretty kewl... but NOT what I expected.... I got a migraine... i tried to stay kewl... but i had to go to the bathroom and throw up. Then i lay down for a bit... everyone else socialized... and i started to doze off on the couch. Adam called me a lame-o before he left. I slept more, and when i woke up i had to throw up again. I felt like crying... it was terrible. I got more medication and rested a while. Bad night's sleep again... Next day I felt quite a bit better... came back to columbia with linz and allen, went on a movie set for "The four children of Tander Welsh"... So I met the guy who played Iron Will! hah... Mackenzie Asten? He's adorable. I hung out with my neighbors... totally love them. I have so much fun over there... i'm over there a lot now... actually I'm typing this up on Allen's computer right now... i've been in here all day. took a nap on allen's bed while watching jordan play resident evil. haha. I'm doin pretty well today... feeling much better... but kinda lazy. meh... more later. | | |
| Emotionally... i'm doing well. I get frustrated lately because I feel like I keep getting shit thrown at me before i have a chance to fully recover...
1. my tonsils... Christ... everytime I feel like it's finally passed, my tonsil swells up again, and i have to go to the health center, and get more antibiotic, and have my tonsil stabbed with a G-d damn syringe!! And then, the pain continues at night... this continuous ache that i cant stop thinking about... so I can't sleep... and i try pain meds, and i call my mother, and i cry because it hurts so bad, and because i'm tired of having to deal with it over and over again. This is the 4th time my tonsil has fucked up. 4th antibiotic... 2nd time i've gone to the ENT to get the tonsil looked at and worked on... and now i'm just hoping it clears up at least until may so I can get it taken out without it affecting this semester's work. fuckin' hell... it hurts to swallow, to yawn, to laugh... I can't smoke even though i'm craving it SO bad... I can't talk well... and i dont have my usual singing voice. (that REALLY kills me).
2. classes are stressin me out... trying to get caught up.... and stay caught up... and study, read, write, etc... especially while sick and/or sad... AHHHHH! I have a terrible paper to finish for Philosophy, work to catch up on in logic, a debate in philosophy, a paper in english... and then finals. blah.
3. Karl. It's not that I'm stuck on him. I'm over it... pretty much. I mean, i dont want him back... and in fact, I want lots of distance from him. So i decided to unsubscribe to his blog because i'm tired of him broadcasting all these poems about christine, and his love for her, and liking bigger women, and us having a lot of sex, and his history with chicks, and all of that shit. It's EVERYWHERE... congratulations on finding your fucking soul mate, or what not... i definitely believe in that... but... i don't usually broadcast my sex life or my love interests like that... even when i was SO in love with bob... i never exposed him... or rubbed it in people's faces. So fuck it... i'll delete him and christine from my facebook for the time being. Not because i'm a bitch... just because i don't like the feelings I keep getting from seeing all of that stuff, back and forth between both of them. I need space... i need to not think about them... and eventually i'll add them again... but right now... its just another pain.
4. A friend of mine is... back with his ex. He used to tell me a lot about her... and at the time I was interested in him. I was there for him when he was upset about his ex, and we had some good times... and got really close. I never really liked when he would mention his ex... especially because she automatically didn't like me. He kissed me a few times... made out with me... cuddled... etc... but always said it wouldn't go any further because of his ex. Then eventually he said he was COMPLETELY through with his ex, as much as it hurt... and he'd turn down her offers to meet up again... but he still didn't want me. At some point, his reason was because he thought he'd just be killing time with random chicks until he could get back with his ex. Later he said he just wasn't attracted to me. I didn't know what to believe. He lead me on and dropped me several times... and more recently... when i had just been dumped, and gotten sick again... he told me he got back together with his ex... that was a huge disappointment. I mean... i know he loves her, and he's happy now, and ultimately... that's what i want for him... because i know he's been hurt for a while... but i dunno. And now she wants to meet me... and he's been so ecstatic... while i've been... sick, and... full of mood swings.
5. I have... a fling? I met this um... Bellman @ the Marriott... and i thought he was flirting with me... and the next day he slipped me his number. After my friend, Az, had joked with me about bangin the Bellman... i decided to see what he had in store for me. So, the guy is pretty sweet... a bit of a dork... funny... and he's 31... so... as far as sex goes, he knows what he's doing... but he told me I can't get attached (which eventhough i wasn't planning on it and i know we wouldn't work out... i was still offended)... and he also made me promise to not hurt myself. Dirty trick... but i guess i need to follow through with it. My incentive? If I don't hurt myself for 2 months, he will buy me a really nice tattoo. good enough for me... i'll let some scars heal and fade.
6. I had a pregnancy scare this week... actually I'm over 2 weeks late for my period... but I had to take a test at the health center in order to get treatment... and i'm definitely NOT pregnant. I don't know what I would've done... I was terrified... i thought about how my parents would find out, and what my friends would think if i chose to get an abortion... losing my parents' trust, and not even knowing if it would've been Karl's or the Bellman's... but i don't have to worry about it now. Maybe the antibiotics threw off my cycle.
7. plus, i'm frustrated with a friend... and how irresponsible and selfish he's being. that's what my last blog was about... so i'll skip it.
8. My music... i haven't had a gig in a while... and even then it was nothing big. I haven't finished a song in even longer... tho i started a few. And I can't sing worth a shit with my tonsil like this... so it's kind of depressing.
That said, I'm proud of how i'm handling all of this. I'm still doing my work, still talking to teachers, going to classes, not drinking or smoking... trying to get a pretty good amount of sleep... and i haven't hurt myself either... I know all will be well eventually. Maybe I need the summer... and certain friends...
I dunno... but... there it is.
| | |
| I got really stressed out this week... had a tiny breakdown in the shower on Wednesday. I was real freaked out about that paper, and i kept getting a lot of... disappointments... and... a couple other things that have been swirling around in my mind.
I got the paper done... well, a rough draft... and i have a little less than a month to fix it and turn it in...
I went to my logic teacher, and i'm finally catching up and starting to get a good grasp of everything!
But...
I'm really starting to get frustrated with a friend. i won't say his name.... but it will be terribly obvious who i'm talking about. I just need to vent, and he doesn't have a xanga... so no one bring it up, ok?
One of my best friends is... really bringing me down. Everytime i'm around him, he's so negative... he's either whining, bitching, or talking about weed, alcohol, and self-injury. I'm tired of it. I wanted to be there for him... but it's SO draining!!! I sit with him, i keep him company, i answer the phone in the middle of the night when i hear it... just so he has someone to talk to... i lend him money, i let him bum cigarettes from me (yes, i know i bum from him... but he smokes SO much more!)... He doesn't listen to my advice about how being dependent on substances is not good... how smoking weed will only make him feel worse when he comes down from the high.... and the reason why he's fucking broke is because he spends it on stupid shit like alcohol and weed.... I thought it was bad before he got "dumped".... but its so much worse now. He feels like being dumped makes him even more depressed, so that gives him an excuse to skip his classes and fail, and be "pissy"... SO WHAT?? I got dumped the day before him, after being in a serious relationship for a month and a half, and i've STILL been getting my shit done! And i don't show off self-injurious things either... and it hurts that he shows me. He knows my history... and G-d damn, it looks like its just for attention... he wears short sleeve shirts so that you see them, and shirts that show a little of his stomach or hip so you can see others... and he specifically shows me. I'm not impressed, and I don't even care... i mean... self-injury doesn't worry me... it just makes me angry when people obviously do it for attention. He's just being so selfish! and I give and give and give and barely recieve ANYTHING in return... and its getting to me! I don't want him to bring me down... or affect what i'm actually getting accomplished. Last night, some people came over to his apartment to get drunk, and i had just finished a paper and decided to leave... it was like 11pm at the time. I went over to my neighbors' and hung out with them for a while... until 3am, and went to bed... and then my friend called me at 5am... over and over and over until i picked up... and then said he felt sick, and was too stoned, or something... and that he wanted to be around someone. So... he walked to my apartment and i got out of bed at 5am (knowing i had to wake up at 7:45am!) and i got in the elevator and let him in on the main floor. then i sat with him on my couch... and we pretty much said nothing. I gave him a water bottle, said he could sleep on the couch and decided to go back to sleep. And I still woke up for my damn class this morning, and i called to wake his ass up for the class we have together, and he didn't answer. AHHH. So I had to go to that class alone, and do all the homework on my own... which i am damn proud of myself for... but... it doesn't seem fucking fair that I only got 3 hours of sleep because i kept his ass company after he made stupid decisions that i warned him about, and he couldn't even get up and go to that class for me?
So... i want to distance myself from him... but... i'm not sure how. I think thats the only way he'll realize how selfish and irresponsible he's being. I'm tired of hearing about his ex, weed, alcohol, and everything that pisses him off... i'm not impressed by his substance usage... i think its stupid.
fuck. | | |
|
